Strategic Countermeasures

     The solution appears to require a method for suspending drug use long enough to restore creative thinking and then to bring this faculty to bear in a conscientious and committed program of personal growth utilizing psychotherapy to restore the dysfunctional personality.  Without really being aware of it, I must have understood this somewhat in recent months.  I have driven myself to behavior that would result in institutionalization when I was unable to make further progress within  the context of the immense pressures bearing down upon me at the time.  This seems to have been a desperate effort to secure a timeout from chemicals in order to restore balanced and creative thinking.

     The illustration below utilizes the wagon analogy previously described to depict graphically the causal relationships connecting the five personal difficulties that I have come to see as interfering with the reconciling of my behavior with my view of the person that I perceive myself to be or to be able to become.

     The undersized wheel on the left side (exclusion of the emotional self) of the steering assembly (personality) results in the loss of steering stability with a tendency toward going in circles from the total dependence upon the wheel on the other side (intellect).  Uneven weight distribution (unstable personality) leads to warping of the axle and frame (distorted character) and loss of rear wheel contact (mind/body split).  Later as the wagon's performance deteriorates, (addiction, relationship/job problems) a road hazard that should have been avoided (daily amphetamine prescription) causes a blowout that effectively cripples the remaining front wheel (suppression of creative thinking and thereby limiting insight and paralyzing problem-solving skills) so that all forward motion is lost and damage increases (person going nowhere as problems spiral out of control).  Total dependence upon the only remaining wheel by a vehicle meant to operate on four destroys the structure of that wheel, making it impossible to even tow the wagon in for repairs (continuous artificial stimulation of drive reward centers disables drive prioritization of behavior, resulting in bizzare, non-survival behavior that is resistant to treatment and other outside influences).

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     I have achieved the first part of my solution by maneuvering myself into a situation where I could be free of drugs long enough to restore balanced creative thinking.  This writing is evidence of the fact that I have restored this capacity.  However, I was attempting to get into a hospital but my functioning had degenerated to the point that I got into jail instead.  I have not wasted the time but rather have accepted the responsibility for my addiction along with its effects and have taken the initiative to commit all of my abilities to its resolution.  Incarceration is only effective as an emergency stopgap measure.  I obviously need as effective program to continue to live chemical free after my release while I pursue a cure through psychotherapy.  It seems that there are three facets to such a program.  I must:

	Find at least one reason in which I can firmly believe that any use of amphetamine will result in some totally unacceptable circumstance.
	Decondition the obsession with chemicals and the compulsion to use.
	Establish effective support network during transition phase.

     I accomplished the first when I discovered that even small medical doses of the drug suppress my creative thinking ability.  It had to be something for me.  Even though I love my wife and child tremendously, I have realized that only the need to do something for self has the potency to be an effective deterrent (combined with the well-known fact that personal growth cannot be accomplished when predicated upon the needs of others).  I cherish my creativity and I am amazed by all it has accomplished here in such a short time.  I need this faculty if I am to realize my fierce commitment to succeed so that I can be the husband and father I want to be.  Now that I have this ability back, I refuse to give it up and as a sign of my determination, I took the initiative to permanently discontinue stimulant therapy for narcolepsy regardless of what accommodations in my lifestyle are necessary as a result.  I am proud of this and a believe it is a hopeful sign of the beginning of the end of this curse.

     I have decided to pursue a career in physical therapy rather than in chemistry to break the cycle of obsession with chemicals that has developed over the years.  I also took a long look at the type of thoughts associated with the compulsion to use.  I discovered that thinking is fixated upon the brief pleasurable period following dosing with suppression or denial of the negative effects.  For this reason, I now force myself to confront the reality of the drug experience any time I think of amphetamine.  I remember that an hour or so of pleasure is followed by 10-12 hours of obsessive insanity then a day or two of chemically-induced depression.  Continued use results in weeks of mental and behavioral derangement clinically indistinguishable from paranoid schizophrenia; the horrors of which have often reduced me to tears and utter despair.  It renders me incapable of the simplest tasks, makes me ashamed to be seen,  causes me not to be able to hold a menial job or maintain a home.  Worst of all is the look in the eyes of those that I love as they lose faith in me, lose hope, and begin to shut me out.  The pain of watching myself do things diametrically opposed to all I profess to believe in and powerless to control it is almost beyond my ability to bear, or even to describe.

     Finally, I will make and maintain contact with CD support groups in whatever area I decide to live.  Even though some specific aspects of the programs advocated by groups like The Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous, differ from those of my chosen mode of recovery therapy, I believe such organizations are indispensable bastions of hope and emergency help for people whose lives are caught  in the undertow of addictive disorder.  We have, however, gone much too far in allowing 12-step philosopy to be coopted as the dominant theme of the majority of our drug treatment programs.  They are a lighthouse in the storm and that is what they should remain.  When I am cured, I have sworn a promise to myself that I will donate part of my time to working with parents and children, wherever I may find them, in hopes of sparing at least a few this nightmarish affliction.

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     The only initial consideration remaining was the choice of exactly which therapeutic approach is the correct one for me.  My one previous attempt, six years ago, to begin the healing process through a hospital-based program of drug treatment was of the type now most commonly available in medical and correctional institutions.  It was not only unsuccessful but also led to a loss of the hope that it was even possible for me to find help outside of myself.  This persisted until my recent discovery of a more appropriate alternative.

     The currently ubiquitous 12-step type approach to treatment based on the so-called "disease concept" and the closely related "Minnesota Model" of chemical dependency grew out of writings in the early part of the 20th century by the founders of certain cult-like, quasi-religious recovery movements, such as AA, who liked the idea because it made them feel less guilty over their past behavior.  It is a form of brainwashing in which the patient is required to accept certain false notions as if they were facts in order for the process to be effective.

     These erroneous concepts include the idea that addiction is an incurable disease, which it most certainly is not.  No causitive agent exists for it to be an infectious process and there is no genetic combination which can be shown to produce the condition for it to be familial in nature.  The disease is purported by cultists to be based upon an allergy to the sustance of choice, which  causes its victims to respond differently (irresistable cravings) than others when the substance enters thier bodies.

     This is absurd because allergies are a very specific type of physiological response that are well understood.  They may involve, among other things, a chemical sensitization of the immune system by the primary challenge of some noxious agent, or allergen, such that subsequent exposure to the offending agent provokes an immune response.  The response may  include the mobilization of certain types of white blood cells and the release of a cytotoxic agent, called Histamine, which, in turn, produces symptoms of a wide variety but which are all physical (vs. mental) in nature, such as topical dermatitis, watery eyes, respiratory irritation, and anaphylactic shock.  Chemical cravings do not ever constitute an allergic response to anything.

     To further skew the logical framework, the patient is told that he/she is responsible for this disease and its effects, which makes no sense at all.  We do not blame people for having a disease.  Can you imagine the brutal cruelty of applying this philosophy to someone dying of cancer? Of course not.

     The preposterous assumption of incurability in recovery movements, acts to permanently bind neophytes to the cult as a substitute addiction called meeting (or group) dependency.  Since this type of thinking has been allowed to contaminate the standard ilk of CD therapy, patients are forced  to view themselves as not-OK compared to others -- somehow damaged or defective goods instead of whole human beings worthy of all the good that life has to offer.  This is destructive to necessary self-esteem.  The patient is further told that he can never fully recover but that strict adherence to dogmatic doctrine and the mystical belief in some "higher power" may alleviate the symptoms (as long as he attends regular support group meetings for the balance of his natural life!).  This is obviously a "Band-Aid" approach to the problem at best.  A certain number of patients have been able to suspend drug use for a length of time but they are condemned to exist as emotional cripples since the underlying problem is never addressed.

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     During the 1960's, it was discovered that, in truth, chemical dependency is a learned pattern of behavior that stems from inappropriate early childhood decisions that a child makes in trying to resolve discrepancies he/she perceives between his/her internal and external realities, mistaken ideas regarding self-worth, and the lack of proper emotional training.  The resulting faulty coping skills gradually become a deeply conditioned behavioral response to poorly understood and mismanaged feelings.  These remain as a permanent part of the inner child that the addict, like the rest of us, carries within and which can operate outside of conscious awareness to produce dysfunctional or even self-destructive behavior.  In the proper therapeutic environment, these processes can be uncovered, given up by the patient, and replaced with more appropriate and enlightened decisions, achieving a balanced and wholesome personality and effective coping skills.

     Intelligence tests have always shown me to be functioning at the extreme high end of intellectual ability.  For a given psychotherapeutic approach to have any validity for me and for there to be a high chance of success, I must be able to understand it and to believe in its effectiveness.  It must make sense and be consistent with reality.  At the time of my initial decision to seek help, six years ago, I knew that some of my ways of thinking and feeling had become disordered and dysfunctional.  I wanted to straighten these out so that I could live happily and effectively.  The standard treatment approach failed me because I could not force myself to believe things that I knew to be false.  The adoption of new patterns of faulty thinking to replace the old seemed ludicrous to me and certainly not a sensible route to the actualization of my full human potential that I sought.

     In the fine old tradition of "passing the buck," my counselors attempted to shift the blame to me.  Though they admitted that I had certainly applied myself, they labeled me as "untreatable" and "too smart for my own good" which nearly had the effect of sealing my fate.  Fortunately I have discovered an alternative path to my answers.

     There exists an elegant and exacting form of psychotherapy, known as Transactional Analysis, which is effective without the use of brainwashing and attempts to build self-esteem rather than to destroy it.  It is not as widely known yet but certified practitioners can be found in over 60 nations around the world.  I have contacted their international professional association and a local clinician, requesting arrangements for entering TA-based psychotherapy in their clinics immediately upon my release from custody.  The balance of this book represents my efforts to prepare myself as completely as possible for the therapeutic experience and thereby to assure that I obtain the greatest possible benefit.

                     

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