When I began, I had not intended to write a book. This was originally intended to be a short personal history, included in the journal that I am keeping for our daughter. It grew into the present work through a procession of events that brought about the slowly dawning realization that a great deal more was going on here than had been initially apparent.

     Since coming into jail nine months ago, my only contact with my wife was a ten-minute telephone call about three weeks after my arrival; during which, I said almost nothing, and she unloaded months of anger and frustration, informing me, in a hostile screaming tirade, that I was worthless, weak, and that she wished she had never met me. Further, she said that she was giving information to the authorities to insure that I would be spending a very long time in prison, that all I'd ever hear from her again would be divorce papers, served in jail, and that she was suing for total custody of our daughter to prevent me from ever seeing her again, so that I could not "poison her mind." These being the two people I love most in this world, the effect was rather like I would imagine one would experience if a trusted friend suddenly unloaded a large caliber pistol into one's chest, at close range.

     I understood the agony and frustration to which she had been subjected, and during our last conversation, I had intended to ask that, while we were apart, she seek out a support group, such as Nar-Anon, for persons with chemically dependent loved ones, but I never got the chance (not that she would have been very receptive to the idea at the time). Because our relationship had some profoundly good aspects to it in addition to the disharmonious side-effects of my addiction, and, because I knew that I intended to pursue this problem, doggedly, until I found a solution, I suspected that she might eventually relent somewhat, but I could not be certain. (Later that week, I discovered that she had broken her silence by contacting my mother, which I interpreted as a hopeful sign. At the very least, our daughter now had access to a very special grandmother.)

     I could not, however, bear the thought that she might actually carry out her threat to rear our daughter to believe that I was someone other than who I am, and/or that I left because I did not care for her. If this did come to pass, I knew that the emotional harm to Ariana would be severe. Knowing that she would probably seek me out on her own eventually, it was clear that I must do something that would help her to understand and resolve issues surrounding her feelings about my absence. Hence, I decided to make my journal as comprehensive as possible and to give it to her when she was old enough to understand.

     During the writing, someone handed me a copy of Steiner's book, Scripts People Live .⁽¹⁾ Within a few chapters, I realized that here was probably the missing link in my search for self-understanding – an elegant and exacting ideological framework for understanding human thought, feeling, and behavior, and upon which, I could organize and develop the insights which had arisen over the preceding five or so years. I had spent nearly nine months of those years in jail because of my drug problem, and had made a rather extensive study of the psychological works which had been available to me. I wondered how I had missed Dr. Steiner's book in the process, but I was delighted that I had finally found something that offered me the tools with which to synthesize all I had learned into a coherent whole – a workable system that I could begin to apply toward resolving the convoluted mess that my existence had become.

     When I had finished reading the book, I knew that I might very well be able to rid myself of my toxic scripting and bring about a meaningful change in the quality and direction of my life, through TA therapy. Since I knew that it might be several months before I could reasonably expect to begin therapy, I resolved to do as much preparatory work as I could while I awaited freedom. It seemed logical, at that point, to put the autobiographical manuscript that I had written to use as a template for a detailed investigation of myself and a study of how the various concepts I'd gathered from my readings could be applied toward achieving my goals. I believed that this would put me in an extremely advantageous position, tipping the odds in favor of a successful outcome, when I ultimately got into therapy. And so, the idea was born to make this work, instead, a short personal book.

     The insights that I gained during the process of creation were so penetrating that it soon became apparent that I had actually already achieved, to a large extent, that which I was seeking to accomplish: a thorough understanding of myself – of the processes which brought about my difficulties, a clear vision of a meaningful existence without these impediments, and some idea of how I might bring this about. Toward the end of the resolution section, I began to see that what I had created was also a substantial achievement in the service of vows I had made with my wife to seek together the answers to the troubling existential dilemmas that we both recognized must be overcome in order to restore a sense of meaning to the purpose and direction to our lives.

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     I knew that it had been of extreme importance to Allyson to continue to believe in the correctness of our original decision to make a life together, seeing in each other the promise of hope that we had found nowhere else before. I also had a strong empathetic understanding of the awesome disappointment, disillusionment, and outright damage to her capacities for love and trust, that the horror of having to observe, at first hand, my bitter anguished struggle had caused for her. This led, in turn, to a growing fear that events might have so hardened her toward anything coming from me that she might reject the very answers we had been seeking, condemning our family to destruction out of disappointment and loss of faith.

     I could not allow this fear to defeat me, however. I knew I must let go of it and maintain a faith of my own that the essential rightness of what I am doing will eventually become apparent to her, overcome her doubts, vindicate the faith in me for which I had asked, and provide the justification she would need in order to believe strongly in us once again.

     I asked several friends whose opinions I valued to serve as sounding boards for my new ideas. Their enthusiasm soon suggested to me that this work might have meaning for other families and individuals who suffered in search of answers for their own fearful problems and that it might even present a useful adjunct to group therapy. I had recently heard the statistic that fully 25% of Americans either have a drug problem themselves or love someone that does. Of the millions of people who seek help for emotional difficulties, it stood to reason that there must be others who, for one reason or another, had hit a snag in the healing process, and that these people, if they were truly committed to going "all the way to the wall" to secure their fundamental rights to happiness and the full actualization of their human potential, might be willing to undertake a similar odyssey of self-exploration.

     For the most part, my achievements in this endeavor accrued slowly, over several years via the "shot in the dark" method. I am fully convinced, however, that, if I had a comprehensive understanding of TA and had been shown a systematic approach to self-help back in the summer of 1989, I would have solved the majority of my difficulties within one year of that date. I actually had a brief exposure to TA in 1986 for marriage counseling. In fact, our therapist was the internationally-known author of Horizons in Bioenergetics, Dr. Joseph Cassius , and it is to Dr. Cassius that I have applied for therapy when I go home.⁽²⁾

     In 1986, I did not stay in therapy long enough to begin to understand TA. Grieving over the loss of my marriage, I had a different agenda for my life, and I had not yet discovered of a systematic and comprehensive program – one with a beginning and an end – in which I could firmly believe as an effective resolution to the problems that I faced. I also did not have the financial resources to continue. While writing this book, I have organized my thoughts as to what I think would be the most direct and effective method of applying these principles. I have developed the outline of a program that anyone should be able to understand and apply toward achieving their goals of self-improvement. If I'd had the choice, it is the way I would have liked to have been able to do it myself.

     As I have outlined it, Psychoself-Exploration (PSE) is an arduous but straightforward and systematic process. The majority of it is self-mediated, which reduces the cost factor, while increasing the probability of a successful outcome many times over. Professional help is not enlisted until the person has acquired a fairly thorough self-understanding and an organized approach to the healing process, thus maximizing the benefits to be obtained from group therapy and eliminating expensive weeks or months of orientation, motivation, and problem definition from the counseling room agenda. Not only would the client benefit from a shorter and more effective course of therapy, but helping professionals would, in time, be able to treat more people, and, I believe, would see a dramatic rise in the cure ratio as clients begin to become more involved with, and to take greater responsibility for, their own healing.

     With a strong commitment to work, PSE should take about a year or so to complete. This may seem like a long time, but, compared with the time such problems take to develop and their cost in years of dissatisfaction, pain, and confused searching, it is really not long at all. One must decide what it is worth to regain control of one's life, to write one's destiny as one chooses, to achieve a thorough self-understanding, to gain the answers to the timeless questions of meaning and existence, and to become more fully human and less of a scripted automaton – a prince or princess instead of a frog (no offense intended toward amphibians).

     Ideally, the process of PSE should proceed in four stages. First is a period of introspection, during which problems and goals are defined. The next phase is the research or input phase, followed by exposition/assimilation (the writing part) and finally, by the integration of what has been learned into the person's lifestyle, which involves professional assistance. The following is a brief description of each phase.

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Phase I - Decision and Commitment

     Initially, a person must decide if there exists a sufficient level of dissatisfaction with the current state of his/her existence to warrant the effort to change. Concomitantly, there must come acceptance of the fact that all answers come from within, which can be a difficult adjustment, since, in many ways, we are trained to view cause and effect in what Berne called "a sort of inverted illusion," projecting outwardly the responsibility for our difficulties and searching for solutions in external sources. Much of our speech tends to support this illusion with syntactical constructions such as: "you make me angry," "he gave me an orgasm," "if it weren't for so and so, I could . . . ," or "I need to find someone to marry who will make me happy."

     Growth is impossible until we have the courage to look beyond this illusion and accept personal responsibility for all of our thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and for the condition of our existence. Once we have this straight, we must decide whether a change is in order, and if so, make a commitment to see it through. It is at this point that the journey begins in earnest. Each person will probably have some idea of where they would like to begin. There may be some obvious outstanding difficulty with which they have been wrestling, such as bad family or marital relationships, an annoying fear which limits the person's prospects, a chronic depression, a chemical dependency, or antisocial behavior giving rise to civil or criminal prosecution, to name a few.

     Using the concept of the Five Selves , we may look within to try to map out the areas in which we are deficient – where we need or would like to see growth and improvement. I have presented below a brief list of subjects, in outline form, from which a person might begin such a search.

I.) OUR VARIOUS SELVES - A.) The Animal Self -what is our understanding of:     1.) Evolution     2.) Anthropology     3.) Sexual response/Reproductive Drive     4.) Intrauterine Experience     5.) Death
B.) The Intellectual Self are we concerned about:     1.) Testing     2.) Learning     3.) Awareness     4.) Focusing     5.) Memory     6.) Logic     7.) Intuition	8.) Creative expression         a. Art         b. Music         c. Drama         d. Design         e. Making/Building
C.) The Emotional Self how do we rate ourselves regarding the recognition, understanding, acceptance, and expression vs. repression of feelings such as:
1.) Love     2.) Guilt     3.) Fear        a. Rational        b. Irrational/Phobic     4.) Worry     5.) Shame     6.) Joy	7.) Hate     8.) Pride     9.) Jealousy     10.) Disappointment     11.) Anger/rage     12.) Confusion     13.) Anxiety     14.) Self-esteem
D.) The Spiritual Self Would we like to explore:     1.) Meditation     2.) Metaphysics/religion     3.) Centering     4.) A person's responsibility toward:         a. Fellow humans         b. Society         c. The Environment	Do we need nformation/ improvement on issues like:     5.) Courage/Commitment/  Determination     6.) Truth/Honesty     7.) Open Mindedness     8.) Faith/Trust     9.) Will/Motivation/ Intent
E.) The Physical Self - Could we use:     1.) A Medical Exam     2.) Exercise/Physical Training
Would we like to improve our understanding of/approach to:     3.) Play     4.) Mind/Body Centering4.) Biology     5.) Relaxation     6.) Physiology	7.) Disease     8.) Diet/Nutrition     9.) Biofeedback
II.) OUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS     A.) Family Dynamics/Stroke Economics     B.) Honesty/Open-mindedness/Cooperation     C.) Friendship     D.) Space Sharing     E.) Intimacy     F.) Issues Involving Our Parents     G.) Sexuality     H.) Shyness/Insecurity/Self-image     I.) Change	J.) Sexism     K.) Communication Skills     L.) Dealing with Death     M.) Social Games     N.) Fun/Recreation/  Unstructured Time     O.) Parenting     P.) Healthy Interdependency     Q.) Risk Taking
III.) PSYCHOLOGICAL SYMPTOMS     A.) Phobias     B.) Depression     C.) Madness     D.) Dependencies Upon:         1.) Chemicals         2.) People         3.) Social Games to Avoid Intimacy         4.) Codependencies
IV.) THERAPEUTIC METHODOLOGIES - Would we like to know more about:     A.) Psychology/Sociology in General     B.) Traditional Psychoanalysis     C.) Gestalt Therapy     D.) Reality Therapy     E.) Rational Emotive Therapy     F.) Holistic Healing     G.) 12-Step Programs     H.) Transactional Analysis
V.) INCREASING COMPETENCE  AND CONFIDENCE - would we feel more confident and at ease in our approach to life if we were to acquire some new skill, sharpen an old one, or just to learn more about some subject, such as:     A.) Judgement/Decision Making     B.) Economics     C.) Traumatic Experiences     D.) Public Speaking     E.) Stress Management     F.) Job Seeking Skills     G.) Attitude     H.) Trade or Career Matters     I.) Body Language     J.) Self or Public Image     K.) Hobbies/Recreation     L.) Self-confidence     M.) Fashion     N.) Self-assertion	O.) Etiquette     P.) Self-discipline     Q.) Time Management     R.) Law     S.) Community Service     T.) Social Problems     U.) Home Maintenance or Improvement:         1.) Plumbing         2.) Electricity         3.) Construction         4.) Auto Mechanics

     Once we have thought about the things which might be impeding our personal growth, we should write out a clear, complete, and concise list of what we are willing to make a commitment to change. If we see that there has a been a serious self-destructive theme to our behavior, this commitment must include the suspension of such behavior during the period of self-exploration. If this requires professional assistance or participation in support group meetings that are designed to help one bring such behavior under some degree of control, then this must be undertaken as a co-requisite.

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Phase II - Research

     Our rational awareness and our creative awareness, the Adult and the Little Professor, institute constructive change. To be effective, they must be healthy and must be armed with the proper information to understand the problems and to synthesize solutions. The objective of this phase of PSE is to provide the necessary input for this to take place.

     The first priority is the healing, strengthening, and balancing of the personality. Emotional dysfunction will retard the resolution of problems in all other areas, even the ability to clearly perceive the existence and the extent of those problems. It is for this reason, that I believe the concepts of TA to be fundamental to any effective program of change, and certainly to PSE. Having read this book, a person should have a good basic grasp of personality structure, function, and development. It would be helpful, however, to study one or two of the major works on the subject, in addition, such as: Scripts People Live ⁽³⁾, TA Today ⁽⁴⁾, or I'm OK - You're OK ⁽⁵⁾, for the greater depth and many examples they provide.

     With the knowledge of TA as a framework for self-understanding, the self-explorer should then select and study quality works related to what he/she believes to be the most significant and/or fundamental problems to be solved. There are excellent books on any of the subjects appearing in the lists under Phase I. Many good choices may be found in the short list of titles provided at the end of this book. More extensive listings could be obtained from suppliers such as: Shea Books ,⁽⁶⁾ mentioned earlier, or in review publications such as: Psychosources, edited by Evelyn Shapiro⁽⁷⁾. A professional counselor is also a good source of recommendations. Often much can be found by simply visiting a book store with an extensive self-help selection. An average of ten total books is recommended and two or three months allotted to read and absorb what they have to offer.

     At this point, the conscious and subconscious mind should be well armed with the information and insight needed to formulate a successful plan for growth and change.

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Phase III - Digestion and Assimilation

     Phase three is the part where motive energy is directed to the creative and rational awareness to stimulate the initiation, development, and refinement of an effective strategic program for goal achievement. The medium for stimulating and focusing the Adult ego state is the writing of the life story – a personal autobiographical exposition which is detailed, honest, and complete, where significant historical events are concerned. It need not be a 250-page book, but it should also be remembered that failure in any of these areas could render the entire process ineffective or even futile. I believe it will be easy for each person, as it was for me, to know how much is enough.

     As the conscious mind works to remember and explain, the subconscious mind, armed with the fruits of our research, is busy identifying patterns and considering possible solutions. For this reason, it is equally important to stimulate the creative, nonlinear intellect of the Little Professor. One way of accomplishing this that comes to mind is to engage in some creative form of expression two or three times per week while in this phase. I found that teaching myself to draw was quite effective for this purpose.

     Before reading Betty Edwards' marvelous book, Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain ⁽⁸⁾, I had no sense of perspective and could never produce a drawing more advanced that the average six-year-old, using stick figures and smiley faces. In the few simple lessons in her book, Edwards teaches how to suppress the dominant brain hemisphere's awareness, and to allow the silent, creative consciousness on the other side of the brain to take control of perceptual awareness and the translation of perception into a physical image. The result is so remarkable that one must experience it to believe it.

     By applying these techniques, almost anyone can produce professional quality drawings in a few weeks. The finished work has the additional benefit of increasing self-esteem and demonstrating the tremendous untapped abilities that we possess, but might never have suspected. This type of activity not only rouses and exercises the creative intellect, but also helps establish conscious volitional contact with our creativity. Some of the graphics in this book depict drawings I produced during my own self-exploration, including: Screaming Skull , in chapter 6, and Penetrating Reflection , at the end of the book (both of these represent mental composites of images I'd run across during my captivity).

     After writing the personal history, a resolution section should be added which describes and defines the person's subjective view of his/her personality, significant script decisions, and makes an attempt to devise a program to achieve the goals outlined in Phase I . As much time should be taken as necessary, up to a couple of months, for the writing in Phase III . Breaks should be taken whenever the spontaneous flow of ideas slows down perceptibly. Strained, premature, or forced conclusions are useless, if not overtly harmful. With a little patience and determination, true insight will occur, and it will be obvious when it does by the deep sense of correctness that is felt (even if it is not accompanied by a tidal wave of emotional outpouring). Once again, the writing need not be a book of several hundred pages, but it should reflect a conscientious effort to be honest and thorough and to explore thoughtful and creative alternatives.

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Phase IV - Integration and Implementation

     Phases I, II, and III were inward-directed, involving reading, thinking, and writing. The final phase is the more kinetic, social, and outward-directed period, where the new ideas are discussed, refined, and actually put into practice to produce the desired changes. A person may wish to initiate new activities, new relationships, enroll in classes, get testing, take part in workshops, or whatever steps the plan that was devised in the third stage calls for in order to begin to explore and expand potential.

     The only part that is not negotiable to suit individual objectives is a brief but intensely committed course of transactional-based group psychotherapy. Without this, one is not doing PSE. There is probably no one who could not benefit from participation in a P-A-C group experience. The insights gained in the first three stages are now shared with the therapeutic group. In addition to the obvious benefit of multiple minds focused upon the problem, the danger of self-delusion is reduced considerably. The group will help to uncover errors; spot things which might have been missed; refine concepts and strategies; and provide practice, permission, protection, and support during the growth and transition period.

     The therapist and group also provide a gauge for one's progress, and, in the case of persons suffering from perfectionism or drives toward over achievement, they will help to maintain the focus upon the goal, to avoid getting lost in the process, and to know when to quit. A strong emphasis, I think, should be put upon the attainment of autonomous independent function and weaning away from any group dependency, but there should also always be the option of coming back, should overwhelming difficulty be experienced in the near-term transition period.