The first step toward emotional literacy is to understand that a person's feelings are neither good nor bad. These labels do not apply. Feelings just simply occur and the only decision to be made about a particular emotional response in a particular situation is whether that response is the one we wish to have. With a little effort, a person can consciously change the way he/she responds emotionally under a given set of circumstances. If we remember that feelings are to guide our behavior, then the question to ask is: does this feeling lead to the type of behavior that I wish to have in this situation?

    The uncomfortable feelings of sorrow or sadness which accompany the loss of something(one) important remind us of the value of that which was lost so that we will remember the value of similar things in the future. Sorrow often leads to the behavior of crying which helps to release the highly charged energy state of the sorrow to allow us to get on with using that energy for other things such as finding creative solutions to the problems we face.

    The hot, flashing feelings of anger often lead to behaviors which act to warn others that they have or are about to violate us in some way. The warm tender feelings of love remind us of the value of life and underscore the meaning of our intimate relationships.

    The other obstacle that we must overcome is emotional confusion.  "I think" or "I believe" refer to thoughts, the currency of the intellect.  "I feel" refers to an emotional state.  Using these terms correctly in conversation helps to prevent the common thought/feeling confusion.  Furthermore, it is easy to become confused and overwhelmed by the vast array of terms in our language which refer to, often exceedingly subtle, nuances of feeling.  This wonderful complexity is one of the things which makes life so very rich and interesting.  According to Dr. Gerald Jampolsky), however, there is a very simple lesson which can help us bring some order to this confusing cornucopia of feeling (paraphrased here from his book: Love Is Letting Go of Fear ):

    There are really only two emotions, love and fear.  All other states of feeling can be seen as facets of one, or the other.  Only one of these, love, is real in the sense that it is a basic irreducible aspect of our nature and the single greatest factor in separating us from other forms of life.  The essential state of love is one of extension, (meaning that it naturally flows outward from one person toward another thereby forming the bond which joins us one to the other) and of expansion, (meaning that it cannot be used up; we cannot give it all away since it always expands to fill the available space no matter how much is given away).  There is no need to be stingy with love.

   The other basic emotion, fear, is an idea created by our minds, in an attempt to provide protection from things threatening or simply from things whose nature is not known.  Fear is therefore essentially unreal.  Love and fear may not be experienced simultaneously and therefore fear often blinds us to the presence of love which is always there.  It is important for us to divest ourselves of our irrational fears as we become aware of them because they limit our ability to experience life fully.  In our relationships with others, we should practice only love for that is the truest expression of what we are.⁽¹⁾