Family and Marital Priorities
Fundamental to
Parenting for Autonomy and Self-esteem
The majority of us come into marriage ill-equipped for success. There is usually a certain immaturity which prevents ambivalence to our partner's faults while still retaining the excitement and hope of the beginning of love. The result is a need to see our spouse as the perfect answer to all our dreams and longings, and to do this, we must refuse to acknowledge, deny, and/or ignore anything about our spouse that does not fit into this picture. We each have a different capacity for repression, but eventually, in a few months to a few years, it all comes bubbling back up. This results in our experiencing an emotional turnabout. We suppress the good and see only the negative in our spouse who now appears overwhelmingly unpleasant. Over 80% of all marriages end at this point.
Quoting Eric Berne: "Since marriage is based upon a bilateral contract to overlook the discrepancies, each [partner] is indignant when the lapses are brought up, and if the threat to the OK position is too great, a divorce will result. The divorce happens because one spouse cannot stand being exposed [and/or] the other cannot stand the bald-faced lying that is necessary to avoid exposure."(1) Except in cases of physical battery, this is not nor can ever be a solution because of the extensive harm to all parties concerned, especially to children. The divorcee will soon join either one of two sad camps depending upon his/her script proclivities.
One group, Waiting for Rigor Mortis, is the army of the walking wounded, the lonely tired martyrs who have had enough and retreat into deep canyons of bitterness. The other is Waiting for Santa Clause (Mr./Miss "Right", Prince Charming, etc.) who are doubly deluded in that, since most people are scripted to some degree to unconsciously seek a certain type of partner, Prince Charming will most certainly turn out to be a frog in disguise.(1) The second, and more poignant illusion of this group, is that of Sleeping Beauty -that life, love, and beauty will somehow magically be put on hold until Santa arrives. The reality is that life blithely passes them by while they wait only to discover too late that this precious time is irreplaceable, never to come again.(1) These are the people that go from one unsuccessful relationship to another, using each other up and, as Steiner puts it, "leaving a trial of psychic corpses in their wake."(2)
After divorce, all the beauty, wonder, and promise of love is lost and we are left with loneliness, depression, bitter resentments, and even, in some cases, a fearful, insane, and abiding hatred for someone we so recently loved - a state that severely threatens the stability of one's relationships with others, now and in the future. This utterly senseless cycle repeats itself, generation after generation, as our children grow up to commit the same mistakes, for we are the models upon which they develop their patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving.
This is all completely unnecessary. Any relationship between two people can be happy and successful if both partners honor their commitments totally by being willing to: let go of their fears, give up any toxic programing they carry, and learn to nurture themselves, their partners, and their children equally and in that order.
We must remind ourselves:
As Dr. Ross Campbell, in his book on parenting, tells us:
"The most important relationship in any family is the marital relationship. It takes primacy over all others, including the parent-child relationship. Both the quality of the parent-child relationship and the child's security are largely dependent upon the quality of the marital bond . . . its effect upon a child, throughout life, is tremendous."
". . . in marriages where [each spouse] appreciates [the other's] deep feelings and the need to communicate them, they not only listen to, but learn from, one another. They learn how rewarding and profoundly fulfilling it is to share on the emotional level. Whether it is pleasant or unpleasant makes no difference. This is a marriage that grows over the years. The husband and wife become invaluable to each other. Such a marriage is one of life's greatest gifts."
". . . the secret here [is] unconditional love that is not dependent upon such as a spouse's age, weight, mistakes, etc . . . the closer we come [to this state] . . . the more pleasing [our spouse] will become to us and the more we will be satisfied by her or him."
". . . we must learn to accept our spouses as they are, including their faults. The likelihood of finding someone or something better through divorce and another marriage or an affair is remote, especially with the overwhelming guilt and other problems such an action would produce."(3)
After getting our needs met and seeing to the well-being of our marriage, we must take care that we do not stifle our children's innate capacities or, in any way, limit the possibilities of their development. Claude Steiner advocates the following guidelines(4):
- Do not have a child to whom you cannot extend an eighteen-year guarantee of Nurturing and Protection. Once you have the child, endeavor to shorten the years during which it needs you by allowing it to achieve autonomy as soon as it can.
- The principal aim of child-rearing for autonomy is to provide the child with freedom to fully exercise the faculties of intimacy, awareness, and spontaneity. No other goal (discipline, good manners, self-control, etc.) is put above autonomy, although it may be desired and pursued by the parents, but never if it contradicts the main goal: autonomy.
- Intimacy is defeated through the Stroke Economy. Do not prevent children from fully and honestly expressing their love or lack of it. Do encourage them to give, ask, accept, and reject strokes and to brag.
- Awareness is defeated through discounts. Do not discount your children's rationality, feelings, or intuition. Do teach children how to account and do respond to their demands for accounting when addressed to you.
- Do not lie to your children ever, either by omission or by commission. If you choose to hide the truth from them, say so and say why, truthfully.
- Spontaneity is defeated by arbitrary rules applying to the use of the body. Do not regulate the moving, seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, or tasting of children, except when it clearly interferes with your own well-being or puts them in clear and present danger - and then only in a cooperative manner. Do remember that the wisdom of your child's body about itself is surpassed by yours in almost every case. Don't take the advice of "experts" (educators, physicians) too seriously either; they have been wrong before and will be again. Never physically assault, attack, or trespass the sanctity of your child's body. If you do, apologize fully, immediately; but do not compound the error by proceeding to Rescue out of guilt. Take responsibility for your actions and do not repeat those you disapprove of.
- Do not Rescue and then Persecute your child. Do not do what you prefer not to do for your children. If you do, don't compound the error by Persecuting them later. Give your child a chance to fend for itself before you "help".
- Do not teach children competition. They'll learn enough of it from watching TV and reading the newspapers. Do teach them, by example, how to cooperate.
- Do not allow children to oppress you. You have the right to time, space, and a love life of your own separate from them. Demand that your needs be taken into consideration; they will do so out of love for you
- Trust human nature and believe in your children. They will reward this trust by growing up to love you for it.
Dr. Campbell uses a different approach that puts a strong emphasis on keeping a child's "emotional tank" full and even covers the controversial subject of discipline. His ideas are quite complimentary to the above (with the exception of allowing for the possibility of physical punishment, under certain circumstances). He recommends, in the same work cited above, that we . . .
Remember that:
Punishment causes anger when used upon a child who is truly sorry and relieves the small amount of necessary guilt required for conscience building.
Behavior modification, when overused, causes the development of a "what's in it for me?" attitude in the youngster. Before using either one of these, make sure that you:
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1.) Love your children unconditionally. 2.) Give them an abundance of eye contact. 3.) Give them an abundance of physical contact. 4.) Give them an abundance of focused attention. 5.) Love without possessiveness, seductiveness, vicariousness, or role reversal. 6.) Discipline (train) your child in positive ways: A. Guidance B. Example C. Modeling D. Instruction 7.) Ask yourself first if rest, water, or food is the cause of the problem and, if so, supply them. 8.) When children are remorseful, please forgive them and let them know they are forgiven. |
Then:
| 1.) | Request - with a request, the child is involved and feels responsible for the behavior.
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| 2.) | Direct instruction - make sure that the instruction is age-appropriate first. This technique is ineffective with over use. Never use it when angry or hostile.
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| 3.) | Punishment - used when faced with a belligerent and defiant child who is not sorry for the wrong behavior. This is not to be confused with 2-yr-old negativism, which is merely the child trying to achieve psychological separation from its parents. Punishment must be firm, consistent, and flexible enough to permit the parent to avoid or correct mistakes in appropriateness of the punishment. Corporal punishment must be used only as a last resort and the following should be observed: A. Explain, in terms of the behavior, why the punishment will be given. Never use words such as "bad girl" which damage self-esteem.
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| 4.) | Behavior modification - is to be used only for specifically recurring behavioral problems for which the child is neither sorry nor defiant and is to be made specific enough for the child to easily understand why it is being done.A. Positive reinforcement - giving a positive commodity (reward). |
Finally:
We must begin to make the awesome potential of TA a reality, not just in California, where it thrives, but throughout this country. We must follow the example of those California obstetricians who include up to 20 hours of P-A-C training as part of their prenatal classes to properly set the family stage for the newborn infant's arrival into an environment that is nurturing for parent and child alike. Parents and educators must come together to provide children with the tools with which to understand themselves, their care-givers, and their world so that each new life develops whole, and every budding human personality grows in harmonious balance.
The following books are among the many that can be found on parenting, family dynamics, and self-discovery for youngsters. They cannot be recommended highly enough:
TA for Tots (and Other Princes) - Alvyn Freed
TA for Kids (and Grown-ups Too) - Alvyn Freed
TA for Teens (and Other Important People) - Alvyn Freed
Introducing Your Relationship to TA - Dr. Leonard Campos
Self-esteem: a Family Affair - Jean Illsley Clarke
Peoplemaking - Virginia Satir
Raising Kids Ok - T. Keeper / D. Babcock
The Original Warm Fuzzy Tale - Dr. Claude Steiner
These, and many others, are available through Shea Books, 1563 Solano Ave., Suite 206, Berkeley, CA 94707, Phone: (510) 528-5201 or toll free from the USA only 1-800-324-SHEA, Fax: (510) 528-4987. E-mail: normshea@concentric.net. Our children are our greatest resource and our hope for the future. They are our dearest blood and no effort on their behalf is too great.
1. Berne, Eric MD - What Do You Say after You Say Hello? (New York: Grove Press, 1972).
2. Steiner, Claude M. - Scripts People Live (New York: Grove Press, 1974).
3. Campbell, Ross MD - How to Really Love Your Child, (New York: New American Library, 1982).
4. Steiner, Claude M. - Op. cit.
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