Allyson
Allyson is the name of a woman, my wife, partner, friend, the mother of our child. The body of the person called Allyson houses a spirit or soul whose name she has not disclosed to me, nor do I know its totem. During the extraordinary experience of writing the previous section, I did, however, realize that I knew a great deal about the identities of the various entities that constitute the personality that is known to others as Allyson. Perhaps not in as great detail as I now know myself, but certainly such that she will, I believe, recognize herself in my words.
It is important here for me to state that the following represents only my opinion, since we have not discussed this yet, as I hope we will at some point. There is no intent here to wound, besmirch, or malign, no assignation of blame nor intent to instill guilt or shame. On the contrary, this is, at once, an act of love in saying that, yes, I do understand and that, yes, I do care; the extension of healing magic outward to the one I love while, at the same time, it is something which is essential for me in order to gain a fuller understanding of the interplay of forces, operating within the context of my current life experience, and to improve the accuracy of my conceptual reality.
My concern for the welfare of my wife and child is second only to my own acute need for growth, without which, my concern for them could be nothing more than an academic abstraction, and which, I would be impotent to affect in any positive way. The names, of course, are my own and most of the observations arise from my own personal experience of her, with the exception of some of the detail regarding the primitive Parent, which comes from the words of Hogie Wycoff in her chapter on the banal scripts of women that Claude Steiner includes in Scripts People Live.2 Her words express, most eloquently what I have observed of the hidden conflict in the Child within my wife.
As it is with many of us, myself included, the dysfunctional primary family group is at the heart of the problem. Of course, Allyson's continuing use of their behavior and advice as the yardstick for comparing her own actions fuels the continuation of the cycle. The child of a divorce that achieved dizzying heights of insanity before its end, she had no viable example of a sound marital relationship (and plenty of dysfunctional ones) in the immediate family from which to model her own, leaving both she and I operating on trial-and-error in this regard. The modeling of a healthy emotional life was particularly salient in its absence. Everything from stolid emotional withdrawal, to genteel civilized savagery, hypochondriasis, and even complete emotional anarchy, has existed in its place, at one time or another. Each has left its mark, some most profoundly.
The Second Order Parent - (P2) "Mama Bear"
The structure of Allyson's Parent ego state is, in many ways, similar to my own, which is not surprising, given an understanding of the ulterior forces which influence our selection of partners. I chose the name, Mama Bear, to symbolize both the heavy skewing of the content toward the critical controlling function (bearishness) and the emergence, by way of maternity, of the lovely nurturing aspect which has heretofore been excluded.
Having been reared mostly by her father, she carries a version of the "wounded father" within P2 as a dominant paradigm. Early exposure to a critical, controlling, often mean-spirited, influence programed Allyson's Parent with these qualities, in addition to the stoic wounded father, retarding the development of the more receptive nurturing side.
The unfortunate occurrence of the split-up of her mother and father while she was so young and vulnerable, along with the terrifying quality of the ensuing power struggle, has resulted in the fragmentation of P2, the exclusion of the distrusted nurturing aspects, and the contamination of the Adult with delusional material from the critical controlling Parent, placing inordinate conditions upon OK'ness with regard to career performance and distorted notions surrounding the issues of dependence/independence. Wollams and Brown have described the delusional qualities of the desire for total independence as being in denial of the reality of our necessary interdependence, as social creatures, since many of our primary needs, such as stroking, love, and acceptance, accrue only or mostly with the cooperation of others.5
The nonstandard preponderance of male sex-role-programming colludes with the exclusion of the nurturing Parent. She had strong survival programming, but in a rough, masculine way, which was not really nurturing to herself or to others, as evidenced by her outspoken revulsion at the idea of having to support or take care of someone else.
With the advent of motherhood, Allyson has been driven by the need to recover the lost fragments of her excluded nurturing Parent and see to its care and feeding. The first glimpse that I had of her NP was when, on confirmation of her pregnancy, she made a personal commitment to eschew chemicals of any type while she carried Ariana. I was delighted and proud for her. Soon she was obtaining books on baby care, and all of this activity became a synergistic stimulant toward the awakening of my own NP. We enrolled in classes for prenatal training, breast feeding, and infant care, and had long, intimate discourses upon the exciting prospect of parenthood.
Allyson is dedicated to the idea of becoming an effective mother and, I believe, is responding to urgent and insistent inner messages toward the development of nurturing skills. The dual acts of desertion on her part, over the last two years, were necessitated, as much by her impotent rage over my self-destructive behavior, as by her own need to be near her mother as a model for understanding and acquiring these concepts and skills. Though I am understandably pained by our separation, I also have an empathetic comprehension of the fact that she is answering critical needs of her own. I agree with, affirm, and support her in this process and look forward to the time when her nurturing Parent is strong enough to encompass more than the acute demands of child care.
The Second Order Adult - (A2 ) "Simone"
Another result of nonstandard sex-role programming is that Allyson's logical/rational awareness is strong and well developed. She is an excellent planner and organizer. Her analytical reasoning is superior and she thinks well "on her feet." I've often said that these qualities would serve her well as an attorney. There is a certain lack of confidence in her abilities that I think she recognizes as the unavoidable peripheral effect of the subtle but pervasive sexist messages we all unconsciously record and which she resents.
As with me, the Adult has been contaminated with parental delusions and illusions from the Child. Decisions and predictions involving issues with strong emotional content which require consultation of the frightened angry Child can, at times, be impaired with interpretation taking on paranoid overtones based upon a projection of the repressed not-OK within the pig-parent portion of her Child ego state. The behavior of others may then be interpreted as having premeditated qualities and to have been deliberately intended to harm her, whereas the other person may not be aware of any such intent. This has occurred frequently with regard to her interpretation of the unfortunate effects of addiction upon my behavior. I have unwittingly colluded with this in that, undoubtedly, a significant portion of my social game choices have been aimed at evoking sympathy in a covert manner.
These contaminations, along with the inability of her Adult to maintain executive control in the face of the bad witch's rage, has led to crippling self-defeating decisions that P1 attempts to disguise as self-preservation. Decontamination of the Adult and deconfusion of the Child on issues related to OK'ness are steps which are crucial to her well-being and to the realization of her hopes and aspirations. Simone is named for Simone de Beauvoir, whose work Allyson admires.
The Natural Child - (C1) "Gwynedd"
Gwynedd is a fairy princess in exile. She also, has aspects of different ages, but she is the free and OK spirit at the center of Allyson's being. I have, on rare occasions, observed and interacted with this adorable child, a part of her which she has great difficulty acknowledging, affirming, and disclosing. Injunctions against being a child and against being a girl within the recordings of the primitive Parent and driver tapes emphasizing stolid maturity and responsibility in P2 conspire to keep Gwynedd in the dark without extraordinary measures. This beautiful child possesses a certain coy charm that I find delightful. She has pigtails, great curiosity, and is an intrepid explorer. She is uninhibited, innocently sensual, has boundless energy, and is capable of utterly spontaneous intimacy. She exults in experimentation and is fascinated by her toys which include a pair of handcuffs and mommy's makeup. Exposing and defusing the existential tension within the child is the key to Gwynedd's liberation.
The Little Professor - (A1) "Pippi Longstocking"
Pippi is the aspect of Allyson which I most treasure and with which I have lost contact. She is a bright and charming little girl with a slightly naughty expression about the lips that I find quite alluring. It is at the level of the interaction between Pippi and Peabody that our romance began. The ingenious "little grownups," within each of us, recognized the kindred spirit in the other. Both are confused and, under enormous stress, have devised the scripts that we each are acting out.
Pippi is something of a tomboy who enjoys boys and girls equally, since she is a little of each. She has a huge chrome and gold pocket knife, with bone handles, and a vintage electric guitar. She is secretly enchanted with the idea of her hidden feminine beauty and longs for ways of expressing it without surrendering her power, which she believes resides in her masculine qualities. She is a libertarian for the rights of women and assumes a natural equality with men. She also has a leather miniskirt and high heels tucked away in her closet. Pippi is intrigued with the subtle interrelationships of pleasure and pain, through which she is searching in hopes of discovering the key to her confusion. Pippi must summon the courage to break the bad witch's spell and the confidence to institute the creative response to personal change that is the hallmark of autonomy.
The Primitive Parent - (P1) "Mugsey/Allie"
This is the wounded and tortured conscience of a highly intelligent and once-happy little girl. She has become angry, confused, and resentful over parents who, caught up in their own confusion and difficulties, did not provide her with all of the skills needed for coping and building happy lasting relationships, most notably, an understanding of things emotional, which she had trusted them to provide. The wounded father takes on a frightening and supernatural aspect within P1 and impedes the trust, acceptance, and understanding of men; overpowering these tendencies in the other parts of her Child. The concepts advanced by Wycoff in Scripts People Live2 first brought my understanding of these issues into sharp focus, and her teachings underlie much of the following discussion.
Mugsey smokes a cigar, has a squinty-eyed suspicious expression, and is defensive in the extreme against disclosing the concealed wretched fear and anxiety, which she views as a weakness, unacceptable to her survival programming, and which therefore, must be projected upon whoever is handy at the time. If Allyson manages, with great effort, to trust someone enough to expose her vulnerability, she can only maintain it so long and, eventually, colludes with them in proving that she can't trust them. Mostly this occurs as a result of the vagueness surrounding her images of what she wants (other than "taking care of business"), leaving great latitude for misinterpretation. At this point, the hostile and brutal side of Mugsey may give pyrotechnic vent to her hurt feelings as the payoff to a game of Now I've Got You - You Son of a Bitch (NIGYSOB), pigging the victim into submission and punishment.
Long ago she decided that she could not talk her parents into giving her what she needed, so she learned to manipulate in subtle ways to achieve her ends. She is in touch with her power to affect people and uses it. It is somewhat mysterious to her and slightly out of control, since she is not in touch with its source, which is Pippi and Gwynedd. Its use is not rational nor clear-sighted and often comes round to catch her unawares with a stunning blow. She fights back against men's Adults and critical Parents with witchy, intuitive, covert power, but without adult strategy.
P1's existential position is I'm not OK - you're OK, because she ultimately blames herself for her unmet needs of childhood. This subconscious insecurity is overcompensated for, in the Adult, by the arrogant stance, the same as it is with me. Mugsey is paranoid about the intentions of others and she gets satisfaction from venting her rage by hitting up from below, especially at men, as hard as she can. She is comfortable in the role of persecutor and has lots of guts, so she is always ready for a good fight. Revenge is meted out by creating problems between her victim and others by giving them both subtle gossipy messages, thus creating paranoia and stirring up trouble. Ultimately, she feels vengeful toward everyone, since she hasn't gotten her needs met. Her power has been used for causing trouble rather than channeling it into the Adult (A2) and Little Professor (A1) to build a real life and career – one commensurate with her abilities.
Mugsey is the guardian of the fearful and sacred injunctions: don't trust, don't love, don't cope, don't succeed, don't feel, don't express or acknowledge needs, don't be a child, don't be a girl. She is strong, fierce, and brave, and she guards a secret – her true name – which is Allie, but which no one may know, since to name a foe is to take its power away. Mysterious guilty suspicions of her own complicity with her plight causes her to seek symbolic bondage and punishment.
The throbbing heart of pain, sequestered behind heavy walls of steel is Fear, which cannot be experienced directly because that would be to admit the unforgivable, Weakness. Mugsey often unleashes the existential tension and rage in a richly violent manner, unaware that to strike out against another, is to do harm to oneself. Each such act strengthens the walls which prevent the emancipation of her child, its sovereign feelings, and its right to exist, effectively sealing Allyson's fate to become that which she most fears, a wretched, angry, and lonely old woman. Role models for this exist in both of our families. Both of our fathers divorced sensitive and expressive (if slightly out of control) mothers, only to remarry women, whose behavior at times has seemed extremely oppressive to us. Mugsey has learned well, and is capable of displaying behavior that resembles that of a guerilla-warfare-trained witch.
Though my words may appear distressingly candid here – touching, as they do, upon painful and undiluted truth; I must say that I love all the members of both of our families. I simply want an end to emotional tyranny and psychological terror games. I will accept the flack for my blatant exposure of games and machinations. By the same token, I believe that I acknowledge and accept the responsibility for my own actions, along with the grief which has resulted from them. It should be abundantly clear, from the fact that I am writing under a pseudonym, that I have no desire to harm anyone, and have taken steps to protect each person's private pain from public exposure.
Allyson, in her anger, has recently accused me of having no understanding of her. It is true that, when confused by drugs, I don't reason well at all, but I hope the foregoing section will forever put to rest the aspersions that have been cast upon the true depth of my understanding and concern. I care more for Allyson than I have ever cared for anyone. I accept her totally as she is, and I have taken great pains to fully understand exactly what that is, so that I can be there for her when she needs me. I owe her an immense debt of gratitude for persevering under the burden of the tremendous sympathetic pain that my suffering has caused for her.
Upon closer scrutiny, I think her disparaging remark may actually have referred to the fact that I have discounted and tried to ignore a very real part of her (P1), whose effect on her behavior frightens me. Since this is the part of Allyson where most of the hurt resides, I can no longer reconcile this cavalier stance with my declarations of love and acceptance. I fervently hope my words are perceived as the gift of good magic which I promised so many months ago, the vindication of her act of faith. Little Allie's pain and confusion must be extinguished so that my friend can flourish.
The Second Order Child - (C2) "Madam d'Lune"
Gwynedd, Pippi, and Mugsey together form the personality that was the Allyson of childhood and that lives on as her Child ego state. We have a beautiful princess, an intelligent, spunky, and creative adventuress, and a frightened, confused, and angry young girl, whose bitter outrage at (and desperate need of) her parents, damns the other two to an uneasy silence and generates the barriers of not-OK'ness that keep the things which will meet her needs: intimate love, trust, and affirmation for being, just beyond her grasp.
The pain, rich and savage, that cannot be experienced directly is tapped off in parcels of rage, which is about the only acceptable and understandable feeling, but which is also the root of the destructive games which perpetuate her script. Prodigious effort, coupled with patient nurturing love, have, at times, shifted the balance of the internal tension in favor of OK'ness and self-expression, but the trap always eventually snaps back shut at the first sign of trouble. She senses that she has learned all of this from early experiences, yet clings fiercely to her need for the approval of her parents. The irony of this is that it, of course, dooms her to become them; stonewalling in the face of the pain and need of others, like me, just as doors have been closed in the face of hers. Madam d’Lune is an artist, and much of her fearful tension can be seen, both in the poignant poetry and prose that she writes and in her proclivities toward music and art that expresses pain. Mugsey must be decommissioned, freed from the dire imperatives of injunctional programming, and nurtured into the acceptance of the OK'ness of all persons. The lifting of the oppression will catalyze the solution of Pippi's existential confusion, and thereby, liberate the sprightly elegance of Gwynedd, affirm her right to exist and be expressed, and allow her inner Child to produce the deeply satisfying relationships that Allyson craves and deserves. I sorely hope these words may bridge the gap and provide a solid foundation of nurturing love from which this adventure may unfold.
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